Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Out of the mouths...

I had some time to waste in the city today before my appointment and instead of shopping (again) I decided to just walk around. It was about 4:30 and the streets were teeming, teeming with children and their caregivers. Like, I couldn't walk half a block without moving for a stroller or getting whacked in the ankles with a wee-little back-pack.

Maybe because I didn't have the supreme focus of HUNTER GATHERER today and I was just there, just walking, that I noticed the kids so acutely. But day-um! Their sweet voices! Their steady gaits! Their intent looks to their mothers, their nannies... Their voices.

Their voices just about fucking killed me today. I want a toddler who talks in sing-song-y tones. One who mis-pronounces things while trying to explain very complicated thoughts.

Today I was overcome with the sadness that I will never hear Lincoln's delicate baby voice say more than 2 or three words at a time. I want that. So bad.


Anonymous said...

I know who you are. Really. As mothers we all want more for our kids then they may be capable of. You my sweet friend who hides behind her glorious words that are so visceral to cause all of us who know you to evoke, for the very things you will not allow yourself to feel. Know this; I want that for you too. But more importantly, your babies want for nothing and never will. They will never know what they can not fathom, they can't miss it. They are happy souls that grace the land because of you and have made you more then you ever thought you could be. That is the plight of all good mothers and you carry the gauntlet better then most. You make me proud everyday and you become more interesting to me everyday. The selfish me would not take your plight away because of who you've become. And thats so much more. Allow yourself to feel because that really is the best part of being human.

The Nurse said...

Thank you... very much. Rationally, I believe you (whoever you are). But these are the exact notions I need to ingest, digest and feed my cells with. Being a good mother has been quite a shock to the system, I can tell you that. And it's going to take a while (and all of you) to cheer me on.