Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Trying it on

So, you know, it wasn't a tumor... it was what I thought it was (what my rational brain thought it was, that is).

And I know this is nuts and in no way am I being flippant, but it was kind of fun thinking it *was* a tumor. Fun because I don't act like that. I don't hang my insecurities out to dry. They're not emblazoned on my t-shirts and hats, not baked into my chocolate chip cookies. That shit is hidden way. Usually.

But the other day, the day when my tooth and jaw hurt so much I wanted to crawl under the desk and make a nice, loving home with the dust balls and paperclips and paper scraps, I voiced my pain: Literally.

I was afraid of the pain and I wasn't afraid to say so. The creepy-crawlies came out of my gray matter to play and I led them right to the amusement park and gave them free passes. I was worried and I said so. It hurt and I said so. And about halfway through my "feelings parade", I started to feel different. I started to feel good, like a person who can talk about her icky bits outside of her bedroom and her therapist's office (and the this website). I felt connected to the people around me in a way that was very, very different than I had experienced before.

Maybe the pain helped break down my defenses? I mean, that's got to be it, right? Anyway, whatever it was, it was AWESOME.

And by 9:30 the next morning, when my horrific cavity/nerve infection/tooth pain was *properly* diagnosed, I was ready to hear the news. And I was ready for novocaine and drills and news about root-canals and tooth reconstruction.

I'm not about to say that this new suit of mine totally fits. I don't think I've suddenly morphed into  a person who shares too much. But I do think there's been a shift. I think I'm beginning to see, that for me, it's OK to loosen the fuck up sometimes; to unbutton a few buttons. To be a little bit more human.