Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy Mother's Day?

"Active Mothering" The phrase was announced like the NEW & IMPROVED INGREDIENT FOR FLAWLESS PARENTING!

And hearing it this morning on Mother's Day made me feeeeel sooooo gooooood. Made me want to jump into my minivan and blow the speed limit all the way to WalMart and buy up every damn bottle, box and bag of that shit.

Not been a fabulous 6 months in the heart and mind of yours truly. Been a trip down paths of self destruction, self loathing, desperation and depression with no return tickets and a truly pissed off travel agent.

I stopped working in October with the intention to write, take care of my babies 24/7 and put our household in the tight grips of a mama with the know-how and determination to rule the world.

I stopped working in October and I wandered to the edge and fell off.

I stopped working in October and I cinched a double thick, dark green, garbage bag around the top of my head and let the breeze blow me in an inconsistent and bumpy and haphazard way to the curb.

I stopped working in October and I wanted to die.

So much time to see myself. So much time to look in all the mirrors. So much time to be and be miserable and alone and so, so alone.

Our household hung by threads, the only thing I typed were Reddit searches. My kids did alright, though.

They held me. They kept me glued and kept my insides in.

What is a life? What is MY life?  I don't know, I don't know.

If my life were a pie chart (my favorite chart), the only wedge with anything filled in with permanent ink would be the "mother" piece. It's the only piece I know, that I fucking know I am good at. The only piece I can confidently cop to on the regular.

And my god is everything thing else up for review.

My god is everything else terrifying.

The lead up to today, Mother's Day, has been terrifying. I adore this holiday! It makes sense to me, I feel right about it and the thought of it being sad and confusing had me twisted up like sunken, ancient ropes at the bottom of the sea.

You know the relationship with my own mother isn't pulled from any story book. You know I fight tooth and nail for what I have with my children. You don't know (well, now you do) that I decided several months ago to not have any contact whatsoever with my mother.

While I have no idea of her intentions, I can surmise that she just didn't know better. I can figure out that her will to assimilate and survive surpassed her drive (if there even was one) to be a good mother. Is she guilty? Is she a victim? I'm 45 years old. These can't be my questions any more.

All of that goes into making today that much more of an almost impossible to get to destination despite all the best efforts: Passport? Check. Connecting flights? Check. Local transfers? Uhm.... nah. We don't offer that service. Sorry. Sucker.

At 5ish my eyes opened to the sound of Lincoln's rousing. I was determined NOT to get out of bed at that time on this day. At 6, I woke up again and went into Link's room. He had made himself a bowl of pasta and meatballs out of last night's dinner. I deemed this a victory. I changed his soggy diaper and went back to bed.

By 7:30 all was lost. Too much volume on the iPhone, too much fear of a self-cleaning-poo-boy scenario. Hot husband heeded the call and I pulled the blankets over my head.

I cried till I asked for my coffee at 9 or so. Ruby came in around then and PJ was floating around. It was time. IT WAS MOTHER'S DAY.

One kid gave me delicate and scrumptious French cookies and delicious toiletries. One kid gave me a Fit bit. One kid gave me a calendar illustrated with every possible interpretation of a handprint a teacher can devise. I'll let you figure out which is which.  Hot husband gave me the promise of 2 brand new, hand forged kitchen knives. I guess he's not afraid of me after all.

Today is the best I've felt in a million, billion, gazillion years.

Halfway into my first mimosa (yup, the count has been lost) the hot husband uttered the opening line to this post in response to PJ asking me if I was going to call my mom today.  I get that a whole lot of you want and need to connect with your moms today and more power to you! (send that energy to MY kids when it's time for them to pay homage to my eternal greatness) But I don't have that. I have me. I am the mom in my life that needs me. I AM THE MOM IN MY LIFE THAT NEEDS ME.