Wednesday, February 5, 2014

If you look, you'll see.

Baby. Boy. Bam.

I think about him all the time. I say his name in my head just like that, like a mantra. When I get out of my car in the morning to go into work I think about him and I say his name. When a mother is pushing and pushing and pushing, I say his name.

When a mother is rushed to the OR I say his name. When a mother is a scheduled c-section and things are calm, I say his name.

Baby boy Bam. He lives with me and I love him.

I fell in love with him first when his mother actually took a nap during one of her night shifts and I started to wonder if it was because a wee babe was growing in her belly and the tired during those first few months was just too much. I didn't say anything because she didn't say anything but, still...

When it was obvious and we could see it was indeed a small, vivacious human being taking up residence in its mom's belly, all bets were off and I was head over heels for whoever was in there.

That baby scared me too many times with the worry that it would come too soon. That my love would have to turn into something else for a long time and, well, that was just terrifying.

Turns out that, Bam, the sweet angel boy did come too soon. Too soon to cry and nurse and laugh and wet his diapers and keep his parents up at all hours. Too soon to grow hair & teeth. Too soon to look at his mama and his dad every minute with wide & loving eyes. Too soon to use those eyes to take in the rest of us and see how much we loved him.

Baby Boy Bam came too soon for so much. But he came right on time for so much more.

I was able to handle the grief of my own son's diagnosis with more courage and love because of him.  I don't get as upset with my daughters for their minor transgressions because of him.

And I don't want to speak for his mom, his exceptionally wonderful mom, but I'm pretty sure he made her a better person. Better mother, friend, wife, nurse (if it were even possible for her to be better at those things).

Thank you, baby. Small, precious, perfect baby. Baby who never had to feel pain or grief or loss. Baby who was simply and will always be just love.