Tonight I'm putting myself in a situation. A situation I am more prepared for than I have ever been. Doesn't mean I'm not already self-medicating for it.
What *does* make up a life? Love, sex, death, pain, joy, fear, anger, humiliation, stress, hurt, exhilaration.
I'm gonna talk about the Hot Husband for a minute, not something I have ever done in depth for reasons that have worked for us over the past 20 years. I'm breaking that rule right now. And I can, I can because of the last 20 years. This man keeps me safe. He keeps my heart. He is fierce and tunnel-visioned (maybe to his own detriment? His own relationship outside of ours?) when it comes to me. I think I feel things deeply. Ha! I am a turtle embossed kiddie pool in comparison to the depths at which this human being experiences life and all it hurls in your face.
I'm ready for tonight because he'll be there with me. And he's been there with me... maybe not since day 1, or day 1345... it wasn't easy after those first 6 months of blissful talking and fucking and teaching and learning and wanting and having. We got married fast and had a kid even faster. This is not a recipe for success so please do not follow; please adjust your ingredients and quantities and baking times accordingly.
This year I've been able to recognize even more of my faults. And I've been recognized for who I am by the people in and out of my life. I am known. I'm not a stranger to anyone. Love me, hate me, think I'm an asshole, an angel? Yes.
Hot Husband knows me. And he's made the decision to bite down. Hard. Even though what happens to me, happens to him 10x harder (in his heart and mind). Even though this life we have curated can be a fucking nightmare to maintain. Even though.... even though.
So. Back to tonight (not that anyone else knows or cares how I feel about going into it, but I care! HOO BOY DO I CARE). Tonight I will wear all the make up and paint my nails and feel kinda alright about who I am. Tonight I will see ghosts of christmas past. Tonight I will kiss the mouths and faces of the ones who still don't care I'm an asshole. Tonight I will comfort and be comforted by people who are also *just trying to get through this shit without crying* all while keeping that make up looking TIGHT.
Many have been fucked(over?). Only one, and ONE & ONLY, I've married. No one's been killed; just don't cross my husband...
What *does* make up a life? Love, sex, death, pain, joy, fear, anger, humiliation, stress, hurt, exhilaration.
I'm gonna talk about the Hot Husband for a minute, not something I have ever done in depth for reasons that have worked for us over the past 20 years. I'm breaking that rule right now. And I can, I can because of the last 20 years. This man keeps me safe. He keeps my heart. He is fierce and tunnel-visioned (maybe to his own detriment? His own relationship outside of ours?) when it comes to me. I think I feel things deeply. Ha! I am a turtle embossed kiddie pool in comparison to the depths at which this human being experiences life and all it hurls in your face.
I'm ready for tonight because he'll be there with me. And he's been there with me... maybe not since day 1, or day 1345... it wasn't easy after those first 6 months of blissful talking and fucking and teaching and learning and wanting and having. We got married fast and had a kid even faster. This is not a recipe for success so please do not follow; please adjust your ingredients and quantities and baking times accordingly.
This year I've been able to recognize even more of my faults. And I've been recognized for who I am by the people in and out of my life. I am known. I'm not a stranger to anyone. Love me, hate me, think I'm an asshole, an angel? Yes.
Hot Husband knows me. And he's made the decision to bite down. Hard. Even though what happens to me, happens to him 10x harder (in his heart and mind). Even though this life we have curated can be a fucking nightmare to maintain. Even though.... even though.
So. Back to tonight (not that anyone else knows or cares how I feel about going into it, but I care! HOO BOY DO I CARE). Tonight I will wear all the make up and paint my nails and feel kinda alright about who I am. Tonight I will see ghosts of christmas past. Tonight I will kiss the mouths and faces of the ones who still don't care I'm an asshole. Tonight I will comfort and be comforted by people who are also *just trying to get through this shit without crying* all while keeping that make up looking TIGHT.
Many have been fucked(over?). Only one, and ONE & ONLY, I've married. No one's been killed; just don't cross my husband...
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