Sunday, January 17, 2016

Shake Me Down

I have these two friends. I don't see either one very much these days for various reasons but mostly due to proximity. Because I fucking love them both for many delicious morsels of truth you understand only if you have friends who connected with you like a lightening bolt. Entered you with a line so direct to your hear & soul that you don't question its value for a second. You simply hold in the fire and let the bond seal till forever and ever amen.

GODDAMNIT. WHY?

I don't hear shitty news and think "Let me hold my children tighter!" I don't think "I need to live every single day like it's my last! I hear shitty news and I am all DAMN THIS BULLSHIT TO HELL AND BACK YOU LOUSY MOTHERFUCKERS.

My life is already a soaking sponge with almost zero capacity for even one more drop of the vast and aching reality of someone else's broken pipes. I have privilege, but not that kind. I can't put aside my day to day and shift gears, to alert the captain we must change course and preserve every second of every moment of every minute of every hour and be thankful FOR WHAT I HAVE.

I guess I'm lousy? I can't get out of my own way enough to be more than angry that too many of my too wonderful friends are sick and their lives and their kid's lives... their fucking kids...

I have been thinking a lot about how many mental illnesses like depression, anxiety & mood disorders are most prevalent in the United States than almost anywhere else in the world (France, The Netherlands and New Zealand are close behind). How this supposed land of the free, land of plenty, place to follow your dreams is filled to its gills with people (like me) who are so burdened by their own problems, they can't possibly be asked to assist with any one else's. I've been thinking, wondering, if this is why we also have barely %50 of our population who consider themselves to be healthy emotionally and able to feel empathy towards others? That our personal psychic overload makes it near impossible to connect on a deep, important level with the people around us and get out of own ways?

There's so much I want to do! I want to make food and raise money and awareness of the day to day hell it can be to live with a shit diagnosis. I want to sit with my friends and their compadres and tell them jokes and assess their picc lines and change their dressings. I want to take their kids shopping & skiing and do puzzles with them (I happen to be amazing at this, btw). But I have my own shit, man! I have my own shit...

What is that? Is that selfishness? I don't know...

Some things about me that I do know: I respond really well to direct requests. I love medical questions and I'm pretty smart and I have even smarter friends. I'm funny and I will make you laugh.

And, and, and, and even though I don't (can't? won't?) shove my own personal ice berg in another direction even the tiniest bit to accommodate a change in my worldview, I have love. And patience. And tears. And fierce, fierce protectiveness of what is right and what should be and I will defend you against all comers. I will rage (in my world) for you. For the two of you most especially xoxo

(here are the lyrics I reference in my title. It's a good song. It's hopeful in a fucked up kinda way. By a band called Cage The Elephant)


Shake me down,
Not a lot of people left around,
Who knows now,
Softly laying on the ground, ooooh
Not a lot people left around, ooooh. ooooh

In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun

Shake me down,
Cut my hair on a silver cloud,
Broken sound,
Softly laying on the ground, ooooh
Not a lot people left around, ooooh, ooooh

In my past, bittersweet,
There's no love between the sheets,
Taste the blood, broken dreams,
Lonely times indeed,
With eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun

Turn back now its time for me to let go,
Way down had to find a place to lay low,
Lampshade turned around into a light post

Walk around the corner,
Never saw it coming still,
I try to make a move,
It almost stopped me from belief,
I don't wanna know the future,
But I'm like rolling thunder,

Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the-
I'll keep my eyes fixed on the-
I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun

Shake me down,
Not a lot of people left around, ooooh, ooooh

3 comments:

Amy Sherwood said...

Precisely why your friends love you...

Amy Sherwood said...

Precisely why your friends love you...

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