Saturday, March 9, 2013

Finding Focus

Lincoln was up at 6:30 this morning. My au pair starts at 7. This is what you would call a "First world, white lady" problem.

I have a lot of these. I need my roots dyed. I need tree work done on my property. I need interior design work done. I'm out of organic apples. I have to get more wine. I need to have three more appointments to finish work on a root canal. I don't have a pair of black, every day boots or a black purse.

I need to pay for my kid's day camp, my property taxes and the fee for my NEW au pair. Ruby's 13th birthday is coming up and I have to pay the deposits on all the reservations I made.

I've got to find new psychotherapists for my daughters because for varying reasons, the ones they have aren't effective.

I mean, am I fucking serious?

As I type on my macbook air, my kid playing with his ipad in the background, my other two kids lounging on the couch downstairs as they watch the flatscreen TV, am I really finding things to complain about?


I know I am living a charmed life. My children are alive and here on earth with me. My husband loves me and thinks I am as amazing as I wish I was. We both have jobs. We have friends...

So why the stresses and worries? Why can't I materialize any number of the patients I take care of every single day who have NOTHING in moments like these. The women who are addicts, living on a wing and a prayer, who have no family, no support, bad teeth, terrible health, violent spouses/parents/friends? The ones who know they won't be taking their babies home. The ones who don't know where their next meal will come from when they leave the hospital.

Gratefulness is a gift that I think I have. But the trappings of the life I am living prevent me from truly realizing it as often as I should. Perspective is hard to have when you can't see farther than the back of your own head; when life is so filled with things to do, we can't refocus our vision on things outside of ourselves.

I try. I really do. But right now I have to fill out camp forms and finish my coffee (with half and half and agave syrup) and put Lincoln's ipad on the charger and, and, and, and...

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