Wednesday, February 8, 2012

No, I'm not ready for my close-up

As I sit still, my body close & quiet. I suffer.

I put myself smack dab in the middle of some heavy shit yesterday. Some thoughts I hadn't ever thunk in public were falling out of my face like chunks of vomit. My vision blurred, my guts churned while I spoke. But I. Stayed. Still.

And it was noticed yesterday that I do this. That I hide in plain sight when there's trouble. That I fold my pain up into neatly edged packages and sit on them as if they were the most comfortable seat in the house.

This was not pleasant news. As my eyes were trying to focus, I got cold. And as much as I felt sorrow for my kid self and anger at the usual suspects I couldn't react.

Have I mentioned the people I know who I envy the most? They are the ones whose emotions are always and consistently readily available to them (at least that's the way they look to me, none of this is rational, Internets, I know that).

Have I also mentioned the therapist I saw for about a half a second when I lived in San Francisco? He's the one who said to me: "No, you're crazy *because* you're so smart"?

Justifying what I know to be right, logical, meaningful and nurturing behaviors with the ones I actually display is my current and constant challenge.

And I am yet to be convinced that on the other side of this canyon is a Michele that anyone will recognize, that they'll even be able to see through all the flux.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You'll still be there. When you get to the other side.

We all keep the things we like best about ourselves on the surface. Whether we are conscious of it or not. They don't go away. We add to them. We evolve.

I like the version of you that's out there now. Why wouldn't we like the "more evolved version". So my question to you is; " What are you so afraid of?" Yeah, We bury the things that we'd like to forget and "tasting" them is not always a tasy morsel. But each and every experience made you who you are. If you take them away; "well then who would you be?" On the otherside, a better version of you will be standing because you are gathering, adding, pinching, stewing, tasting, tossing, extracting, or any culinary verbage we can think of describe yourself. But you've cooked pretty well so far and you're liked, loved, held in high esteem, enchanting, bewitching, compassionate ( though I'm not sure you recognize that in yourself), a source of inspiration among a plethera of other qualities. Don't sweat the other side. Beside you won't get there lickity split. Evolution takes time. Cast aside those who won't let you through to the other side. Those who don't honor you. Don't fear it, beckon it to you.

Life really is grand. Perhaps heaven on earth is just that; the ability to be ourselves, freely.