Did you know that Lincoln puts himself to bed? That his new routine, that our new life, means he PUTS HIMSELF TO BED?
He did it the first time a few months ago, a fluke. Busy night, lots of friends and a tired, tired baby: We found him under his duvet snoring like a sailor.
About a month ago, the hot husband mounted a TV on the wall of Link's room and it has transformed our lives. Now, around 9PM we put on a movie and put the boy in his awesome robot chair. At some point, he crawls into bed and falls asleep like the most amazing magic trick in the whole universe.
He sleeps, damnit. He sleeps and we all are finally, finally breathing easy. Well... easier.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
more and more layers
Another me would have done the math in an entirely different way. Would have calculated the worth of this day in more concrete terms than the now me; the right-this-very-second-me.
A successful passing of time would be measured by what I did, what I got done.
Today, this right-here-me, can tell you that THIS DAY was and is still wonderful and amazing because of how I feel. And this feeling of 'complete' that I feel, the wholeness I am experiencing is thick like homemade frosting and just as sweet.
Today we curled hair, painted toes, tickled, giggled, ate pizza, watched movies, drank juice and celebrated with friends.
Today we, 'I' feel love.
A successful passing of time would be measured by what I did, what I got done.
Today, this right-here-me, can tell you that THIS DAY was and is still wonderful and amazing because of how I feel. And this feeling of 'complete' that I feel, the wholeness I am experiencing is thick like homemade frosting and just as sweet.
Today we curled hair, painted toes, tickled, giggled, ate pizza, watched movies, drank juice and celebrated with friends.
Today we, 'I' feel love.
...that only a mother could love
Yes. YES. YES! I know. I know that Lincoln and Penelope LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE. I know. My genotype/phenotype twins born four years apart.
They are beautiful children. Breathtaking, ethereal; almost impossible to define. They are photogenic. They light up a room. They are so unlike any people I have ever met and they are so like themselves.
My impossible, magical babies. Yes, I know.
They are beautiful children. Breathtaking, ethereal; almost impossible to define. They are photogenic. They light up a room. They are so unlike any people I have ever met and they are so like themselves.
My impossible, magical babies. Yes, I know.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
looking for the brilliance in the grey zone
Guess what? I flew off the handle and I didn't break my life.
Nevertheless, it isn't the way to go (going all crazy). And guess what? My emotional life isn't cool-calm collected OR One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Guess what? There aren't just two choices...
Nevertheless, it isn't the way to go (going all crazy). And guess what? My emotional life isn't cool-calm collected OR One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Guess what? There aren't just two choices...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Out of the mouths...
I had some time to waste in the city today before my appointment and instead of shopping (again) I decided to just walk around. It was about 4:30 and the streets were teeming, teeming with children and their caregivers. Like, I couldn't walk half a block without moving for a stroller or getting whacked in the ankles with a wee-little back-pack.
Maybe because I didn't have the supreme focus of HUNTER GATHERER today and I was just there, just walking, that I noticed the kids so acutely. But day-um! Their sweet voices! Their steady gaits! Their intent looks to their mothers, their nannies... Their voices.
Their voices just about fucking killed me today. I want a toddler who talks in sing-song-y tones. One who mis-pronounces things while trying to explain very complicated thoughts.
Today I was overcome with the sadness that I will never hear Lincoln's delicate baby voice say more than 2 or three words at a time. I want that. So bad.
Maybe because I didn't have the supreme focus of HUNTER GATHERER today and I was just there, just walking, that I noticed the kids so acutely. But day-um! Their sweet voices! Their steady gaits! Their intent looks to their mothers, their nannies... Their voices.
Their voices just about fucking killed me today. I want a toddler who talks in sing-song-y tones. One who mis-pronounces things while trying to explain very complicated thoughts.
Today I was overcome with the sadness that I will never hear Lincoln's delicate baby voice say more than 2 or three words at a time. I want that. So bad.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Go ahead, ask me
As a know-it-all, I mostly get through my days just fine. No annoying questioning of my choices or actions.
I have always been a know-it-all, too. Just ask my brother, the one who'd push me down a flight of stairs for being "smart" aka "calling him a dick".
But now, knocking on the door of my 42nd birthday, I am finally realizing that this is just another one of my shields. Another layer of protection. And worse? It's cracking and it has to get knocked down with all of my other brilliantly designed (if I do say so myself) facades.
This in no way demeans my SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM status, by the way. I still *do* know pretty much everything, but I'm going to try to own it more and not make all of you buy it. Get it?
I have always been a know-it-all, too. Just ask my brother, the one who'd push me down a flight of stairs for being "smart" aka "calling him a dick".
But now, knocking on the door of my 42nd birthday, I am finally realizing that this is just another one of my shields. Another layer of protection. And worse? It's cracking and it has to get knocked down with all of my other brilliantly designed (if I do say so myself) facades.
This in no way demeans my SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM status, by the way. I still *do* know pretty much everything, but I'm going to try to own it more and not make all of you buy it. Get it?
Friday, January 6, 2012
PJ
While the hot husband is away for the NEXT THREE WEEKS, I will have the pleasure of sharing my bed with the wee Penelope, she of the champion snuggle-tude.
Her body is so small, tight, lean, warm, soft and fragile. Her tiny breathtakingly beautiful face with lips that ooze pink vitality framed by wispy locks the same exact color as her dad's is enough to make me cry when I see it sound asleep next to me.
Penelope has Fragile X, too. We found out about a month ago. PJ. My delicate, precious, emotional boiling pot of fierce love and affection has Fragile X.
We suspected. We waited. We knew but we didn't want to know.
The years she spent stuck to me. Her yelling, screaming years. Her ever present separation anxiety, her volatility. My worry, my husband's worry for this child's psyche... all explained yet again by the dangling little leg off of the X chromosome I gave her.
Before diagnosis, we made a pact to handle her more carefully, to give the smallest girl in the room, the most space we could. It's working. She's more at ease, we are reveling in her company. She deserves it; my lovely Penelope.
It's 11:05 in the morning and I can't believe it's another 10 hours till I get to have the littlest elf of all cozied up in her mama's arms under the covers in the safest place on earth.
Her body is so small, tight, lean, warm, soft and fragile. Her tiny breathtakingly beautiful face with lips that ooze pink vitality framed by wispy locks the same exact color as her dad's is enough to make me cry when I see it sound asleep next to me.
Penelope has Fragile X, too. We found out about a month ago. PJ. My delicate, precious, emotional boiling pot of fierce love and affection has Fragile X.
We suspected. We waited. We knew but we didn't want to know.
The years she spent stuck to me. Her yelling, screaming years. Her ever present separation anxiety, her volatility. My worry, my husband's worry for this child's psyche... all explained yet again by the dangling little leg off of the X chromosome I gave her.
Before diagnosis, we made a pact to handle her more carefully, to give the smallest girl in the room, the most space we could. It's working. She's more at ease, we are reveling in her company. She deserves it; my lovely Penelope.
It's 11:05 in the morning and I can't believe it's another 10 hours till I get to have the littlest elf of all cozied up in her mama's arms under the covers in the safest place on earth.
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